Although things are admittedly more difficult without my family support network close by, I really feel like my lovely little Tokyo bubble that allows me to do it my way without any of the worries my Mummy friends in Australia are being bombarded with on a daily basis. You know…the “Are you a helicopter, Mum?” “Have your kiddies eaten something that was processed and raw and had quinoa in it today?” “Have you counted those screentime free hours today?”
Most of the time, I feel like I have my own little network sorted – as long as I can see my 3 favourite people , I am good.
We’ll work it out.
We will do this ‘raising kids’ and ‘being a family’ stuff the way that works for us – learning by screwing up in our own manner and just trying our best to make it better next time.
So, from that perspective, I find Japan to be a really cushy place to raise kiddies. ( See here for the things that I have found to be tricky.)
And even if I manage to bump into the odd person making a judgey-wudgey comment, I can do my best at turning my Japanese proficiency button to “off.” AND….. if you don’t speak the language at all? You can let it slide on right by………!
Where else do you get to do that, right? So lucky! It’s all just white noise!
But…that being said….sometimes you do need to deal with people giving you unwanted ‘advice’, taking pictures of your children, trying to touch your baby or something that you really want to object to – but then that language thing gets in the way…….
Don’t let me blow this out of proportion – even a little, ok?
It is so incredibly safe here and I rarely, rarely have issues in Japan with pushy people or those people with zero ‘personal spacial awareness ‘(I’ve had way more problems with pushy people in Australia.) But I also know that even people (**cough cough* *clearing throat* ME!!!) who are TERRIBLE with confrontation (ME!) but…then they have children……and becoming a Mum suddenly lights a fire under their butt (ME!) and they’re suddenly, in the name of protecting their offspring, able to transform into a super Mum-BOT …. ” Must ….protect….family…..no ….matter ….what ”
So what does this means for me ….. I’m now ….like…..1000 times more ballsy than before….but if only I could still manage to navigate this new ballsy-ness while still coming across as kind and feminine and culturally appropriate….yeah….that would be awesome.
So….non-Japanese people who are living here , for a long time or a little bit, have taken on a whole new level of Mummy kick-arse-ness (go you!!!) because you’ve taken on all the Mummy stuff and guilt and blah blah blah…but have gone completely hardcore and just thrown in like a whole lot of extra obstacles like…ahhhh…I don’t know…. a new CULTURE and LANGUAGE and no relatives close by ….. you know …just for just for sheets ‘n’giggles.
So what I do want to share here are some ways that I find get my message across without being a complete werewolf in the process (ie. don’t make me that scary, scary foreign lady in the park.)
THE KODAK MOMENTS:
One of the tricky Mummy elements that is more prominent than in Australia, for me, is the photo factor here. .
Japanese people have been taking pictures of their food, selfies and have been putting filters on their photos for about (seriously!) 20 years longer than the rest of us.
Asking to take a photo with someone or of someone is, 90 % of the time a form of flattery. Especially for kiddies from overseas. If someone wants to take your child’s picture they are (almost always) just enamored by their total cuteness. So…if you can ….remind yourself its a major compliment (and yes… they have good taste …your baby is adorable.)
But in the world of social media and privacy concerns this is, understandably, scary for many. Everyone has their own family rules and, although mine are probably more relaxed that most (umm….my kids pictures are literally all over this blog), I completely understand and can empathize with other parents.
If someone asks to take a picture of my child and I’m not comfortable or its not the right time for my child I’d say on of the following things (remembering that the tone and volume I choose also reflects my level of protest and unhappiness) :
写真を撮らないでください shashin o toranaidekudasai (Please don’t take pictures)
すみませんが写真を撮らないで下さい sumimasen ga shashin o toranaidekudasai (I’m sorry but please don’t take pictures)
And if someone was wanting to touch my baby’s face or cuddle them and I didn’t like it:
すみませんが赤ちゃんに触らないで下さい sumimasen ga akachan ni sawaranaidekudasai
(I’m sorry but please don’t touch (the) baby)
Another idea that a Japanese friend suggested for if someone is really feeling bothered is to make a little sign and stick in on the stroller or baby carrier (saves conflict and awkward conversations)
突然赤ちゃんに触らないで下さい totsuzen akachan ni sawaranaidekudasai (Please don’t touch the baby)
However, if someone continues to take pictures or annoy you or your child:
You are welcome to turn and take a picture of them and report them to the closest koban (Police Box ) and this is a matter that is taken very seriously in this country. Same goes for people taking pictures without asking at all (grrrrr……makes my blood boil – in any country.)
Other things to keep in mind:
Try to remember to say thank you when people comment on how adorable your child is.
They have an excellent eye for cuteness!
Often this is how many Mums start a conversation too – can’t hate anyone for trying to be kind, right?
I also, personally, don’t think there is anything wrong with letting kids have their rockstar moment (as long as they are enjoying it.) When we moved here, my little boy was 4 months old and for about a whole year he actually thought that kawaii was a nickname of his. (Seriously! Someone would say it about something else and he’d turn his head …just waiting for the attention.)
As long as my kiddies learn to say ‘thank you’ and understand that the world doesn’t completely revolve around them…. I’m happy to let them have their “time in the sun.”
But ultimately, it’s your baby (forever your baby) and you get to choose.
I’d love to add even more suggestions and phrases to this article – so please let me know if there are other issues or concerns you’d like to know how to address or ( although I’m am totally winging it and learning as I go…) if you’d like to know how I choose to handle sticky situations – please share.
